just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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