Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
