Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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