Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
