Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
