Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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