Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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