So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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