dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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