Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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