There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
