Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
not ubering you a puppy
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
