Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
