mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
