She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you will always have a special place in my vag
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize