Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
