Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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