I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
