I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize