Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
