i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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