She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize