I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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