There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
