So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think I am morally bankrupt
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
