bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
