just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
