I looked at my own cervix.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
