Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
