just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
