he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
