Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
