Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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