so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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