i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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