It's like God shit irony all over that family
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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