Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
