Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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