shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
