Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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