True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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