i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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