they need to just BURY HIM!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
