bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
