I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
