let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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