So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
