If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize