we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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