I need to stop coming to work sober
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
