Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
