My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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