I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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