Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
