I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
