Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
