"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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