forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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