There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
