i would punch a child for taco bell
dude i'm inner monologue high
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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