So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
