Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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