I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
